impossible for me

I've been reflecting on things that I wrote about in Gee-oh-dee along with the impact of life right now.
It's hit me with more weight than ever about what it takes to effect real change. What Christ did is the only thing that could be done. Had he done anything of himself, anything that could be attributed to some certain skill, some talent, some brilliance, then all He set into place would have been nearly nothing compared to what it is. His perfect sacrifice, His sinless life, is the only thing that actually made room for all of us to come to God.
I see in my life that where I compromise I have no defense against judgement, whether from man or God.
Had Christ ever, even once, struck back at his accusers, His message of love would have been forever tainted. [Hate and evil can never be defeated by anything less than pure love, self-less, self-sacrificing love. There is no room for me to cuss someone out in order to stand my ground. I can't punch sense into anyone, all I can really do is take a punch to prove what I say. There's no room for me to be "hard" in order to get my respect in the hiphop community when I call myself a Christian. I think it's kinda weak to keep touting your gangbanger past in order to reach a few outside the Christian scene. Jesus didn't have to be "hard"].
One slip ANYWHERE and His, mine, your accusers have us indebted forever, it can't be undone.
This isn't to say there is no freedom, no grace, no room for mistakes. It just elevates the importance of what He did. It's because He did it, and did it for us that He can give us the grace we need because we can't live up to that kind of standard!
I know this discussion doesn't help the person that doesn't understand why God has such a standard in the first place, but that's for another time, I have a small window for my writing attention span.

I guess in all this what I get is an awe for what a thing Jesus accomplished, producing gratitude in me. It also reminds me of what kind of picture a sloppy life paints. God grant me the grace to come to Him in my strength and weakness.

hope

This was some stuff going through my head at the same time of my last writing. They seem to kind of go together, for me anyway.

I was looking at my shirt, Hope Never Fails again, and I was thinking about how true that is. Hope never fails because hope never quits, it never gives up. So I was thinking about the difference between hope and optimism and I think it's kinda like this: Optimism is usually based on feeling good about natural things, whether it's goodwill of man, or better future circumstances or even our own ability to handle situations. But hope is different because of where hope is placed. As a Christian my hope isn't placed in things like better circumstances, or humankind or even my ability to rise above life's difficulties. My hope is placed in something beyond myself, something bigger than myself, bigger than humankind. My hope's rock is something that won't let me down, something that's not as fickle as my own emotions. Where your hope is placed is important, which becomes clear if you've ever lost hope. If you've ever lost hope I suspect you placed it in something that was going to let you down, as I have done myself. Of course you probably didn't think you had it misplaced at the time, but the result of losing that hope should make it clear that whatever you placed it in failed you. Now what if you say "I put my hope in God and He let me down"?, well I dare to speculate that perhaps it wasn't Him that let you down. But rather you may have been let down because you didn't get what you expected of Him. To which I would have to reply you were not then failed by Him, but rather by your misplaced hope in your expectations of Him. So your hope was in your expectations of Him and not in Him alone. If our hope is in Him alone, whatever may come our way, we can take it head on, trusting Him in whom we hope. Why trust Him? Because His word shows us He has a plan for us a future and a hope. That His love for us only has our best interest in mind. Of course it will not always look or feel like that, but we see in a very small bit of time, and we see very little of such a vast picture.
I'm gonna come back to this as my focus comes back.

I always lose

I don't know if you've ever felt like all you do is make excuses for God, but I've felt like that from time to time since my Mom died. What I mean is, I take the side of the Christian but also the non-christian and I debate myself. My old nature always accuses the new of always finding loopholes for God when things don't go the way I wish they would. When I want to know why my Dad has had the life he's had, the Christian answers are you going to love God when He does what you want, or because He loves you, which is the only reason I even know what love is. When the old nature asks where are His blessings?, the Christian answers look at the blessings you do have! What am I lacking that I simply cannot do without? What has God so meanly deprived me of? So then my old nature accuses me of always finding a way out for Him, because His word always has an explanation or admonition for whatever I encounter. When I am fearful about the future what does His word say? To trust Him. When I'm angry about injustice, what does His word say, that He is the judge of all and everyone will reap what they have sown. So their judgment may not fit the judgment I would exact, but God knows the heart and judges rightly, unlike us who mostly judge after what we see. Who am I to think this finite created being can question the infinite and insist He satisfy my demands? And everytime, no matter how loud the old nature likes to argue, the debate always comes down to this: who is in charge? Is it me, or God? Because you see, it is pride in my old nature that wants it's way, wants God to be who I want Him to be, not who He is.
When I demand answers, proof, satisfaction in any way, I set myself as God's judge. How arrogant can we be?!
Sure you could go through life and sit as God's judge and convince yourself you don't have to answer to Him but rather He answer to you, and since He won't or at least not to your satisfaction you insist on unbelief, or non-belief. But what a foolish argument to make. You have a right to your opinion, but I can't get over the absurdity of a piece of playdough demanding it's maker explain itself to him. I guess that's where I'm at.
I still have the debates, or rather the old nature likes to argue, but the new understands what the old refuses to accept....I am not King.

I know, I know

I know everyone has there own story but it doesn't matter how many times I read a similar story from someone else, once in awhile you just need someone to sit next to ya, remind you of what you know, give ya hug.
It's gettin rough this year not having Mom around. They say the second year is usually the hardest and I think they're right. I've been cleaning up house and going through cards, pictures and all that kind of stuff, and there's been a couple pretty rough nights.
There are no shortcuts in the healing process, you pretty much have to go through it. It takes time, and it hurts, but they say eventually it gets better.
Nothing is the same since Mom has been gone. Even family don't know some things between my Dad and me, the way we feel, the way some things went at home. Even family don't see past the surface sometimes. I know some real strong guys that have still run away from things because it hurt too much. You pretty much shut it down, bury it until one day maybe you're able to deal with it better. No one is perfect, no one has it together all the time.
I don't need lessons on how God is my comforter, I know that. But I can't feel His arm around me, I don't hear His voice in my ear. That's why it's so important for us to be His arms, hands and feet, because people like me...like you, need to feel those things once in awhile, need a voice of understanding, comfort, a strong hand, a non-judgmental look of love.
I'm so tired of those kind of Christians, the kind that always have the Word for you. I was that kind of Christian. Sometimes you just need to shutup and be there for someone.
You don't realize how much you need someone until they're gone. I never knew how much I wanted to make my mom happy until she wasn't there to be proud of me. That's still taking a lot of getting used to. I think I've said it before, but a guy feels one way when he makes his Dad proud and another way entirely when he makes his mom proud. At least I do.

trusting the weather

I have; so many times, found myself thinking it's so hard to wait on God and believe that He'll come through for me.
But I realized something at work today.
I realized it's easier for me to get through today when I'm hopeful for the future. What is getting me through work right now is planning a couple mini-vacations to come later this year. And when I'm throwin a fit because my clothes are sticking to me and my jeans are chafing me, and I want a job I can put my heart into, I think about the end of August (when I'm planning on going to WI to kayak) and sometime in October (when I'm planning on hiking). So when I put my hope in knowing that the weather will change, and things won't be so humid another day, I get through another day.
So I found it funny that I had no trouble believing/knowing the weather will change, and I will enjoy the weather much more once I get through the humid spell, but I have so much trouble believing God will come through for me or my Dad.
But let me say this as well: I've been waiting a long @#$%^& time for God to do something for my dad. Now, I know that time does not negate the promises of God, but you certainly begin to wonder if He will EVER come through.
But with this silly, simple revelation today maybe I can begin to correct my outlook and once again put my trust in Him. In Him who is more faithful than the weather.

dee-oh-gee and Gee-oh-dee

I recently caught part of an episode of Dog The Bounty Hunter and it made me think about a couple things. First a little background: Dog is apparently a professing Christian as it has been noted by some evangelicals. So when I saw him and his crew completely overreact while pursuing a guy with a warrant out for him I was a little dissapointed.
I was most saddened by a line I've used and thought far too many times myself, "lucky for you I'm a changed man, or I would have ^&#%ing ripped you apart". And I asked him, as I have asked myself, 'is that the supposed changed man saying that?'. I was saddened to see my own level of Christian living on television for everyone to see.
Something about that whole scene isn't right. I don't claim to be a pacifist, and I don't endorse it in it's extreme forms, but I can't say that kind of behavior, attitude and language is in line with the example Jesus set for us.
I can't count the number of times I've thought or said the same thing..."lucky for you I'm a Christian you @#$%!" That doesn't sound like something a Christian should be saying does it?! It's one thing to remain masculine and another to completely react as a man without the love of the Father in him.
If this is the best a Christian man can be, I don't consider that to be much of a change at all. This man is no better than a moral atheist. What real change is there when all we have that separates us from a violent man is some restraint?
I have found when this is the man I am, I am no longer depending on the new nature in me, the nature given through Christ, I am resigning myself to my old life. What kind of example do I set when I tell someone "if I wasn't a Christian, I would kick your ass!" Is there a heart change in there? I don't think so. So I need to humble myself again and realize I have not the strength to be who I can be, not without Christ.
It's amazing how difficult it can be to do nothing....to remain on your knees. I make it so difficult. It's funny how quick we can be to rise and defend or attack.
"Put away wrath, malice and evil speaking"

the wisdom of man and God

One thing I noticed Hitchens did frequently is criticize God's wisdom in the grand scheme of our existence. I found it interesting that on the one hand he would grant God omniscience, and omnipotence for the sake of argument, but then call that omniscience, etc. into question. So that got me thinking: If we are willing to grant God omniscience, omnipotence and omnipresence how do we even begin to question His methods? If we give Him all the aforementioned traits and we logically assert ourselves (the created) to be less than the Creator, I again ask: where do we begin to question His plan? It seems much easier and even rational that if we grant him all those qualities that we should relax and trust His plan, seeing as it is so far beyond us to do His job.
Now if we don't grant God all those qualities, well what kind of God does that give us? Now that will lead you down to some crazy-ass philosophies. We end up with gods, or multiple personality god, or some wildly impersonal force of nature, some mysterious cosmic cloud -which seems to be what The Secret basically is. None of those possibilities reflect something that gives cause to everything we have learned in the short history of humanity- reason, logic, love etc.

God is not great

Hitchens is an arrogant moron. Ok, moron is a little harsh, but he isn't even close to presenting his book in a way which even comes close to the superior writings of those he criticizes.
What I found most amusing was how the arguments he used against C.S. Lewis couldn't even hold up to the argument presented by Lewis, and Hitchens continues on as if without further discussion he is correct! The assumptions were glaring and many, much like his contempt for so many "non-sequiter" conclusions by Christians, which he himself so freely lept to. At least Hitchens admitted to not sharing the same caliber of writing as those he criticizes, which is the best thing he could do for any of his readers.
This is no better a book than I could have written. He did a horrible job presenting conclusive arguments for his viewpoint, God is not great is pretty much a presentation of all his personal thoughts backed up by "evidence" of his own discoveries and perceptions. That would be like me telling you I'm right and here's a pie chart I made to prove it, without any outside measurement of accuracy.

giving up

Part of me wishes I could summarize what I've been going through for the past several years, but part of me thinks it's pointless because we all have similar stories. We all have trials, successes, failures, gains and losses. My heart is always exploding and crumbling, but I haven't always been this way. I used to be much more even, not so high and low. But that was before I started experiencing many things that affect so many other people. A few years ago I lost an aunt that I was very close to, then a year and half ago I lost my mom. Those two events were the things that shook me the most. But during that time frame my Dad's church had gone through many tribulations as well. And everyday things piled and piled up, and my own weaknesses seemed to be swallowing me. Everyday I was closer and closer to drowning. I couldn't remember what it was like to walk on water, I was cursing the hand I had reached for so many times before.
I've been a very angry man for several years now. Of course I had days where I felt compassion but my overall attitude has been angry, unhappy and unsatisfied and bitter most of all I think. I knew and know that my situation isn't unique. People have lost parents, children and spouses for millenia. But knowing someone has had it worse than you doesn't mean you don't feel the difficulty of your own situation. We all have to walk through the shadows by ourselves. There is only One who goes through with us and it often doesn't feel like He's there, but as the old writing goes "the one set of footprints was when I carried you".
Well, since I'm not saying anything new or anything that hasn't been better said by someone else, I'll cut to the chase.

I think I finally hit my turn-around spot. I've had enough of myself. I've finally exhausted my frustration, anger and selfishness, and I can go no further. So this is where I set it all down and give it to someone that can carry it. Someone that tells me to cast all my care on Him because He cares for me. The same One that tells me to worry for nothing but in all things give thanks and prayer because He knows what I need.

I came to a fork and I saw meaninglessness, violence and emptiness. And then I saw Love, and a plan gone awry with redemption plugged into a space in time leading to the reconcilliation of all things....and I rejoiced with tears.

I plead the fifth

It's a shame to know that my fifth grade teacher pretty much summed me up in a sentence: "He'd be great if he'd just apply himself"

coming full circle (from adulthood to childhood)

I've been going over some things lately and here it is.
I was trying to reconcile a personal God that also created natural laws and free will. It seemed to me that all I saw around me was cause and effect. I began wondering how much God ever really moved in someone's life, or maybe better said, to what extent. After much frustrated contemplation I found a few conclusions.
1. When all I view is the cause and effect of nature I'm no longer looking at God behind it all. Which is key, we can't forget that there is someone, not some impersonal cosmic force behind it all.
2. After reminding myself of the previous revelation, I knew that I also was unwittingly putting limitations on God, by confining Him to the natural laws He established. The fact of the existence of natural laws in no way means it is His only way of expressing Himself to His creation.
3. After knowing that natural laws are not the only means of His expression/manifestation, we remember that He is SUPERnatural. Meaning that He supercedes the natural we can observe. The natural exists in Him, it originated in Him, He is more than able to work through the natural processes He created or to override them (in His omniscience and omnipotence)-in which case we observe miracles-things that "defy" natural processes.
4. So after being reminded of all these things I was finally reminded of the fact that in the Bible, God was moved by the faith of His people, the obedience of His people, and was moved to do something supernatural. So I end up where I started when I was a young christian, before I had any questions: putting my faith and trust in a loving, personal God, funny how things come full circle isn't.
All of this started when I was wrapped up in being frustrated for never seeing something supernatural. Like I said I was wrapped up in seeing cause and effect for everything I was observing in my life and those I care about. But I've been reminded that cause and effect is a very small matter when dealing with an awesome God, one that says "Only believe", "All things are possible to them that believe".

My closing thought is this: I can either put my eyes on the natural world and it's limits, or I can put my eyes on the limitless God.

growing up

I find it peculiar that I can feel let down by life, when I never had any definite expectations to begin with. There is no one thing that I feel is owed me that has been denied. Just an overall sense of not being, or getting where I want to be or have. Pretty silly. But I'm sure it's a part of growing up and realizing the real world doesn't fit our expectations very often, we have to adjust to the way the world is....to reality. But it doesn't have to be disappointing, we just have to realize we had some biased or ignorant ideas/assumptions/desires, let those go and move on.
Is it fair that I have to pay bills, maybe not, but is it reality...yup.
And in the grand scheme of things, it is fair that I should pay for what I want, someone had to make it, and they deserve to be compensated for their work.
I guess the area I feel most restricted is the absolute freedom that we think we deserve. But something I think is amusing is who told us we deserve anything? Especially if we are a product of chance and survival (which we clearly are not), what on earth gives us the feeling of being deserving of anything. I think we feel deserving of something, because we feel like we're lacking something. We feel like we will fulfill what's lacking by finding some mysterious absolute freedom. But in all the ways that we seek this freedom ( i.e. sexual freedom, drugs, violence, power, wealth etc.)we find ourselves more and more bound. Because what we are lacking is not freedom, we're missing the responsiblity that comes to balance that freedom. But we reject this feeling of responsibility, and in so doing reject the idea of God. So there we have our problem: what we're lacking is the relationship with our maker we were created to have. It's only in discovering and restoring that relationship that we begin to find what freedom really is and then we also find peace. Amen.
It can be a hard pill to swallow even when you know it's the truth.

freedom

I've been thinking about freedom again. I think it's funny that we try to keep people in boxes. When I think about those things in regard to Christians, I think of all the "do's" and "don'ts" placed on us. And right now I'm thinking more specifically of those placed on us by other Christians. Through the years we've carried so many rules around. So many rules that Jesus Himself didn't put on us. We have a code of conduct to follow instead of listening to God's own Spirit in our lives. As long as you follow the rules you're ok. Jesus had something to say about that. He said the Pharisees washed the outside of the cup but the inside was still filthy. It was all an outward show. The cleansing has to come on the inside and the outside. The cup doesn't serve it's purpose if it's only clean on the outside.
So back to all the rules.
In my opinion a lot of these rules were put on us because of fear, fear by those in leadership. They were afraid of freedom. Freedom that Christ had given us. Rules were a method of controlling. Rules meant MEN could be in charge instead of Christ. Oh, but I tell you...there is freedom. Christ isn't telling you to follow rules. He tells us there is a right way to live, and His life was a picture of that. But that life can't be lived by following rules, it's lived by a change at the very center of our being. That change is a change from living according to a warped and fallen state to one of a redeemed, corrected, straightened state. So you see that living according to rules is only us trying to live this new life without the necessary changes on the inside. And that is impossible, and impossibly frustrating to everyone trying to accomplish it. And those incredibly frustrated people continue to make more rules for themselves and others in an effort to get where they can't possibly get to.
So again I find I would need to write a book to fully convey what I would like to, but I'm not that talented.

Thomas

I brought this from my myspace:

I've finally found the words for something that really shook me.
With the stuff that happened with my mom I found myself questioning a lot of what I believe. I was wondering why I would be rocked to the core if I really believed what I claimed to. The fact that I questioned worried me. I started thinking I was a total fake, a guy full of someone else's words, with hardly any of it real to myself.
But as the dust cloud of confusion stirred up by my anger began to settle I began to see. What I saw was that I was still just a man. I have emotions. I have doubts. I have fears. And I saw that all of that does not change Him. He knows all of that about me! He sees me with such clarity I can't imagine it. Jesus didn't kick Thomas out of the club because of his doubts...He called Thomas to come and see, and believe! He loved Thomas, He embraced him. God knows we have a lot of growing to do. We've strayed along way off from all that He created us to be. When am I going to accept His love unconditionally? Most of us have been told He loves us unconditionally, but do we accept His love uncondtionally. I still catch myself trying to earn His love now and again. Oh, if I could just accept it!! If WE could just accept it!! What are you keeping between Him and you? What makes you think He can't love you? What makes you think He can't love you the way you are?
God is not going to cast me aside because I have some struggles. He invites me to examine Him, to find the truth and to believe. This is God who turned Saul into Paul!
Lord thank you for never leaving me, and for promising to finish what You began in me!

my mind is so humbled by His greatness